Today’s news:

IT’S ONLY MY OPINION - Darn the caribou, let the drilling begin

By Stanley P. Gershbein

“Our friends in Washington are more concerned with the travels of Dasher, Dancer and Rudolph than they are with the travels of their constituents.”

Stan Gershbein

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Way back in 1960 the big Sinatra hit was “The Coffee Song” AKA “They’ve Got An Awful Lot Of Coffee In Brazil.” The tune hit the charts and stayed there for many months. If Frank was with us today he might be changing those lyrics to “They’ve Got An Awful Lot Of Crude Oil In Brazil.” Another super-sized oil field was discovered in this eastern South American nation, one of the largest in the past thirty years. Brazil currently supplies the United States with less than two percent of its oil needs. According to authorities in the know, this new source could be pumping and supplying us with as much as several million barrels of crude a day by 2020.

Not a day goes by where those of us who listen to the news don’t hear something about barrels of oil. Exactly what is a barrel of oil? Don’t ask the gal at the next desk. She doesn’t know either. Let me try to fill you in.

According to the California Energy Commission, an official barrel contains forty-two gallons of crude oil. The crude is sent to a refinery where the forty-two gallons are converted into 51.4% gasoline, 15.3% distillate fuel oil, 12.3% jet fuel and several remaining products such as lubricants, asphalt and road oil, and at least a dozen or more other commercial items.

It wasn’t that long ago that a barrel of crude sold for about twenty dollars. The price is now approaching one hundred and twenty dollars and this, of course, translates to the current problem of the high price of gas for your car, heating oil for your home, the latest increases in the prices of airline tickets and food at your local supermarket.

Any day now we will be receiving that tax rebate which will be used to help the millions of us that need some assistance with our gasoline and grocery bills. Never having anything nice to say, our wonderful Senior Senator, Charles Schumer, Chairman Of The Joint Economic Committee Of Congress and New York State’s unofficial undertaker, stated, “It’s galling to think that taxpayers’ stimulus checks will be lining the pockets of OPEC. The sad truth is that the average American family will spend almost their entire stimulus check on higher gas prices this year.”

I find it galling also, Chuck. But you know what I also find galling? It infuriates me to know that my Senator, Charles Ellis Schumer, one of the most important people in the United States complains, whines, gripes and bitches about the high cost of gas but other than insist on punitive taxes he does nothing to help me at the pump. Come on, Senator. Start the ball rolling. Stand up to the environmentalists and insist that it is now necessary for this nation to find American oil and the time has come for us to commence drilling in Alaska. Who do you know that’s really concerned about the migratory habits of a few caribou? It seems that you, dear Senator, find the travels of a few reindeer more important than the travels of your constituents.

Let’s do it immediately, Senator Schumer. Show us some testosterone.

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Once upon a time we went to the sideshow at the circus to see the tattooed lady. Now all we have to do is wait for the weather to be a bit warmer and then head for the beach.

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Several weeks ago we spoke about the names of certain foods being a turnoff. Don’t like the name? Don’t eat it. The simple solution is to change the name. The classic example is “Escargot”, a fancy shmancy name for snails. Would you order something on the menu called a pancreas or thymus of a calf? Of course not. Change it to “Sweetbreads” and you can serve it at a Bar Mitzvah.

Ok, gang. Here’s a brand new one. Seafood restaurants and retail stores that specialize in products from the ocean are now serving Sutchi. No. Not Sushi. I’m talking about Sutchi. S-U-T-C-H-I. Sutchi is sometimes better known as Pacific Basa. Still don’t know it? Basa is the smart new name for a form of catfish.

Meow. I don’t eat catfish. Not knowingly anyway.

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Momma, don’t let your sons grow up to be cowboys. Make ‘em baseball players instead. The average salary for Major League Baseball players last year was 2.82 million dollars and a large number of those players don’t play in every game.

The highest paid pitcher last season was Roger Clemens who worked only ninety-nine innings. Divide ninety-nine into his salary and you come up with about two hundred thousand dollars an inning. Let me say that again very slowly so that it sinks in. Roger Clemens earned two hundred thousand dollars an inning. It took me a whole month to earn what he earned in a half hour.

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I was wondering how much the Raving Reverend hurt Obama. I don’t think the Democrat candidate was hurt as much as he will be in November.

The Raving Reverend! Hey, I think that’s one great handle. I am StanGershbein@BellSouth.net curious to know if any of you agree.

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