Today’s news:

Tug−of−War ‘pulls’ in volunteers

The Great Coney Island Tug of War held on the sand in front of Deno’s Wonder Wheel went to “Wall Street” this weekend − but no one is feeling ripped off.

All morning long leading up to the big showdown between the hedge fund hogs and regular blue collar guys and gals, couples, kids and even a few lady cops stepped up to test their might on the heavy rope.

Pauline Chalmers and Kevin Bateman came all the way from the United Kingdom − only to be bested at the hands of local lovebirds Ray Shields and Yelena Shtilman.

“We’re good losers,” Chalmers declared after the hard−fought match. “The days of braveheart are over.”

New York’s Bravest, however, proved to be more than a match for anyone on the beach, but they left it up to the “Regular Joes” to tangle with the “Wall Street” crew.

Fresh from the Hamptons and still dressed in their button−down shirts, the “Wall Street” squad arrived on the scene under heavy police escort toasting the bailout and talking a ton of trash.

“We are the wizards of Wall Street,” team captain “Hunter Smith” declared. “We’re going to securitize your butt.”

While efforts to punish the real−life Wall Street sharks remain elusive, their faux counterparts in Coney Island reveled in their victory claiming a glittering gold trophy only marginally shorter than the Parachute Jump.

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