Today’s news:

Caught dead to rights

A funeral home owner has been allegedly identified as the unsuccessful bank robber who recently tried to pass a threatening note to a teller at a neighborhood Chase Bank.

Officials confirmed that 38-year-old Peter Lance was arrested at his Harlem funeral parlor last week after he allegedly tried to turn himself in for the September 9 crime.

Police allege that Lance entered the DeKalb Avenue branch near Fulton Street just before 9 a.m. that morning and waited on line with the rest of the customers.

When a teller window was clear, he went up and passed his note, which was written on a withdrawal slip, police alleged.

“Give me all the money,” the note allegedly demanded.

The teller refused, but she didn’t have to say anything, officials said.

Instead, she simply handed the note back to Lance, who ran off empty-handed.

According to published reports, Lance was so devastated by his failed robbery bid that he walked over to the 84th Precinct on Gold Street and said that he wanted to turn himself in for committing a crime, although he wouldn’t tell them what he did.

He reportedly gave cops his personal information and left.

Investigators ultimately identified Lance as the alleged thief after reviewing surveillance tapes of the attempted robbery. They took Lance into custody on September 17, officials said.

Cops are trying to track down the anti-Semitic, anti-black, anti-gay, anti-Muslim thieves who broke into the First Unitarian Church on Monroe Place.

Police were told that someone broke into a back office in the house of worship near Clark Street sometime between 5 p.m. on September 13 and 7 a.m. the following morning, taking $464 in church donations as well as thousands of dollars in speakers, amplifiers and band equipment.

But before leaving, the thieves made their presence known by scrawling “No Ni—ers, Gay, Arab %u2013 White Power” as well as a swastika on the wall.

“We will be back,” the thieves also added in their menacing missive.

Area cops and members of the NYPD Hate Crimes Task Force are asking anyone with information regarding this incident to come forward.

Calls can be made to the 84th Precinct at (718) 875-6811. All calls will be kept confidential.

A 15-year-old boy was robbed of his wallet at knifepoint during a confrontation at State Street and Sidney Place last week.

The victim, a resident of Willow Place, told police that he was walking along State Street at 4 p.m. on September 15 when a 5’11” black male around 19 years old walked up to him and asked him for the time.

When the victim said he didn’t have the time, the thief pulled a wood-handled knife from his pocket and ordered him to hand over his wallet.

No injuries were reported as the thief ran off with the wallet, which contained $5.

A quick-moving thief is being sought for snagging a bag from a 29-year-old woman as she waited to cross the corner of Hoyt and Fulton Streets.

The victim said that she was standing at the corner at 1:25 p.m. September 19 when the thief ran by, snatching the plastic bag out of her hands.

The woman’s Apple iTouch was in the bag when it was taken, officials said.

A thief busted his way into a Court Street apartment last week, taking something more valuable than jewelry %u2013 blank checks.

Thirty checks were reportedly missing from the home %u2013 as well as three necklaces -- when the victim returned home at 6:40 p.m. on September 15 and found that his front door was open.

The door, cops learned, had been damaged, leading them to believe that the thief forced his way inside.

A 67-year-old woman had her cell phone swiped right from her hands as she exited a train station near Cadman Plaza East and Red Cross Place.

The woman said that she had just made it above ground at 12:45 p.m. on September 17 when the unidentified thief grabbed the iPhone from her grasp.

The thief ran back into the train station and disappeared, cops from the 84th Precinct were told.

A thief broke into a 2008 Ford Fusion parked on Pineapple and Hicks Streets last week, removing an air bag.

The 74-year-old owner told police that he parked the car near the corner at 10 p.m. on September 15.

When he went back to the car on the afternoon of September 17, his rear window was shattered and the $1,500 air bag was gone, police were told.

Over $12,000 in tools were removed from a construction site on Bridge Street last week.

Little could be done to lift the spirits of Major Elevator workers on the morning of September 17 when they had to file their lengthy burglary report with cops from the 84th Precinct.

Employees said that someone forced open the front door of the building located near Plymouth Street after they had left work at 3 p.m. on September 16.

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