Today’s news:

Fecal fiasco! Pooping pugilst makes a mess of Bay Ridge apartment building

This was not what a local resident expected to see as the sun came up on Bay Ridge this past Sunday: a poop-smeared pugilist going to town on the front door to his apartment door.

The victim, who lives on 77th Street between Third and Fourth avenues, told police that he and his girlfriend returned to his building at 5 a.m. February 28 only to be welcomed by the aroma of excrement.

The couple investigated, the smell, only to find — we kid you not — a drunken man “covered in fecal matter” sitting on the stairs outside his apartment.

The man, who also lived in the building, had reportedly damaged the victim’s door and door knob, which was now also “covered in fecal matter,” according to a complaint filed with the Kings County District Attorney’s Office.

After a furious exchange of words, which we’re sure reached potty mouth level, poop boy attacked the victim, punching him in the mouth and biting his hand as the duo wrestled on the floor.

His girlfriend called 911 as the victim finally subdued the suspect, identified by police as 42-year-old Daniel Maraio, who was later charged with assault in the third degree, criminal mischief in the fourth degree, attempted assault, menacing and harassment.

While we can guess, it was unclear just where all the excrement came from as this paper went to press.

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