Today’s news:

Stan takes out the tra--, er, junk

Here’s another jumble of thoughts.

Happy Hanukah, Chanukah, Hanukkah, or any of the other 20 ways to spell the holiday. My friends in Las Vegas tell me that the action in the casinos on the strip is pretty slow. Maybe, in honor of the Jewish holiday, they might draw a few more customers if they opened a dreidel table. The average bet could be in multiples of chai.

• • •

Headlines were made all over America when a man at the San Diego airport threatened a Transportation Security Administration officer with the prefix “If you touch my junk…”

JUNK? JUNK? I have been on this earth a pretty long time. I have heard that portion of the male anatomy referred to by many different names. I have never, ever heard it called “junk.” My Merriam-Webster Dictionary lists numerous descriptions of the noun “junk.” By definition, it isn’t.

• • •

At his press conference, Charlie Rangel, who has been in the House of Representatives since 1980, tried to wrangle his way through the questioning by pointing to his many years of public service. Service is a very interesting word. When I think of the word “service” in politics, I am reminded of a very old scene about a rancher bringing his bull to a neighboring ranch to service his friend’s cow. We’ve been serviced the same way.

• • •

My president leaves the country … then returns … then leaves again … then returns … Hmmm. Does Air Force One give frequent flier miles?

• • •

As soon as my right-wing friends learned that Pelosi and Reid are still in charge, they broke out another bottle of Krug Grande Curvee. This time, the celebration, according to them, is two years early. They are looking forward to that day when Harry and Nancy destroy the rest of the Democrat party. Hey — wattsa matta? Couldn’t they find a suitable American bubbly?

• • •

One of the items hidden away on that long list of the Debt Commission’s recommendations caught my eye. I stood up and cheered when I saw that they want the government of my country to save money by reducing foreign aid. YESSSS! Let’s start saving billions of bucks by eliminating those countries that do not vote with us in the United Nations. It’s about time they learned about biting the hand that feeds them.

• • •

Let’s follow a piece of the money we send to Washington. You and I pay income tax. Some of that money is “loaned” to states like California that are so deep in debt that nobody in his right mind ever expects the Golden State to pay it back. The state issues welfare debit cards. The debits from those welfare cards have shown up at cruise lines, psychics, bingo parlors medical marijuana shops and tattoo parlors. In other words, the next time you are at Black’s Beach in San Diego and you see the Shrimp in Lobster Sauce tattoo on the sexy gal’s tush, you may have paid for it. Finally, after much debate in the California state legislature, Gov Arnold Schwarzenegger banned welfare recipients from spending their benefits at certain places. I am and I can’t seem to get part of that last segment out of my mind. Cruise lines?

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