Today’s news:

Monday night is ‘Secret’ night at my house

Will Amy sleep with Ricky? Will Adrian say yes to Ben? Will Ben be happy with a yes? These are the questions that fill the hearts and minds of every American teenager (and a few of us that ought to know better), as the fourth season of “The Secret Life of the American Teenager” comes back to the tube. I have to admit, I’m addicted to the show myself.

Although I find it really hard to swallow that the only activity in California for teens is to have sex, the soap does make for really great TV. Not to be out-sexed by their teens, the parents of these kids do a lot of hopping in and out of bed too, each having enough issues to warranta spin-off.

So here’s the rundown:

• Amy, who has a child with Ricky, is the poster child for teen pregnancy;

• Amy’s parents, Anne and George, can’t decide if they should stay divorced or re-marry. They live next door to each other and enjoy the occasional bonk, but the mom (played by a grown-up Molly Ringwald) can’t commit — and she can’t forgive George for having an affair with Adrian’s mom;

• Ben, who really wants to be with Amy, but will marry Adrian because she’s pregnant with his baby, lives with his dad, the Sausage King (played by “The Sopranos” Steve Schirripa) and his second wife, the former hooker with a heart of gold;

• Adrian is pregnant with Ben’s baby, but really wants to be with Ricky. Her parents, who didn’t get married to each other when they conceived Adrian, have finally tied the knot now that Adrian is a teenager;

• Last, but certainly not least, is Ricky, the father of Amy’s baby (thanks to a one-night stand). He’s the James Dean-type who doesn’t want to settle down, but really wants to have sex with Amy again — along with every other female on the show, including Amy’s sister Ashley, but feels conflicted because he can’t commit. His father was an abusive drug addict and his mom is in the slammer for violatingparole. Is it any wonder he’s conflicted?

Following all this? Confused? Don’t worry. It will only take you one episode to get caught up to speed and you’ll have it all figured out and become as happily addicted as I am. “Secret Life of the American Teenager” in on ABC Family Monday nights 8 pm on.

Not for Nuthin,™ but being the mom of a teenage girl, I’m really glad that my only worry is the high cost of a college education, my teen finding gainful employment, and when I can have my car back.

jdelbuono@cnglocal.com

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