Osama’s dead … and other things I learned on the InterWeb

OK, I lied. Here’s what I’m going to add to it.

I understand the reasoning for burying bin Laden at sea, but wasn’t this the monster who engineered the 9-11 attacks on the soil of our great country? I don’t think Osama was concerned with the religious beliefs and rites of the 3,000 victims of his attack on the Twin Towers. Us being so nice and respectful makes me angry!

And where can I get my own Navy Seal? I could use one of these pistol-packing killing machines to escort me around the neighborhood in the rain. I mean, if I had my own, I wouldn’t have to worry about falling off my scooter into a puddle because I’m sure he’d be ready, willing, and able to catch me before I hit the ground. And he’d even put my scooter upright, and put my 200 (OK, 250 … OK, 300-plus-pound) frame back on top. Heck, I wouldn’t need the scooter at all, because he could carry me on his back. In fact, they could probably make that one of their “hell-week” training sessions. I’d do it for my country!

And you know something, I heard Osama’s mansion had no windows, no telephone and no Internet connection. What’s that old saying? “A man can not live by bread alone?” Well, actually I could, as long as I have a telephone and Internet connection to make me forget my hunger.

But the downside of this pothole-free Information Superhighway (unlike our roads in Bensonworst!) is that it feeds you too much information! During the years that I’ve been plugged in, I’ve picked up a few tidbits — some true and some false -— that maybe even Osama could have used.

I get most of them through this thing called “e-mail” that allows you to send letters without having to lick a stamp.

Since I started receiving these e-mails, I won’t drink a glass of water from a waitress with lemon slices in it because now I know about the bacteria on the lemon peel. That’s right! There’s bacteria on there!

You know, I’ve gotten so germ-conscious now, I no longer simply rinse my fruit, I scrub it with soap and water! And to think that I used to love to taste cherries or grapes non-stop in the supermarket! Not anymore, fella.

Here’s one for you: I’m even afraid of using the television remote control in a hotel room because of what the last person was doing while flipping through the channels. Here’s a hint: they’ve got adult movies at those places! I can’t even sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed. Wink wink.

You know what else? I avoid shaking hands with someone who has been driving because I now know for a fact that the number-one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose. Maybe that’s why high fives are so popular these days!

It’s also come to my attention that you should never touch a woman’s purse because she has to place it on the floor of a public bathroom.

And a big screech-out to the person who sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes. To be safe, this Christmas I use a wet sponge on every envelope! Hey, maybe I should e-mail my Christmas cards!

Here’s I couple of things I now do thanks to the important information I have learned on the Interweb:

• I scrub the top of every can of food before I open it to make sure there isn’t any vermin poop on it.

• I never drink in a bar alone because I fear I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

• I ensure that my prayers will be answered by forwarding e-mails to seven of my friends.

• I buy Coca-Cola because it’s fattening, delicious, and it can remove toilet stains.

• I hesitate to use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

• I no longer boil a cup of water in the microwave because it will blow up in my face.

• I don’t go to the movies because I’m guaranteed to bring home bedbugs on my scooter.

• I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because water can splash more than six feet out of the toilet!

So I guess, despite the fact that Navy Seals were after him, the Internet-less Osama must have lived a worry-free life!

And by the way, the most interesting e-mail I received this week was from a friend who was upset that Channel 7 interrupted “Brothers & Sisters” on her Zenith to break the news to her that Osama was dead.

Apparently, a little bird had already tweeted her that information, so she didn’t need the dopes at ABC to cut into her favorite program.

It’s the opposite of the Heidi Bowl!

Screech at you next week!

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