Today’s news:

Man, this guy was pissed off!

84th Precinct

Brooklyn Heights–DUMBO–Boerum Hill–Downtown

Pissed off

A customer at the Court Street McDonald’s was in such need of relief on May 2 that he clobbered a woman who he thought was taking too long in the bathroom.

Cops say that the man entered the fast food restaurant — which is near Livingston Street — at around 11 am and found the bathroom door locked.

After few minutes that felt like an hour, the 64-year-old victim exited the bathroom only to be berated by the cross-legged stranger.

“I am going to smack the s—t out of you!” he said before whacking her with a glass bottle.

The surly suspect fled by car, presumably after doing his business.

Triple play

A trio of bandits snatched a woman’s iPhone from her hand on the F train at York Street on April 8.

The woman told police that she was at the train doors at 5 pm when the sneaky thieves made a covert play, swiping her phone before bolting.

Police arrested two 15-year-old boys at the scene, but the third accomplice was home free — with the coveted phone.

Metro marauder

A marauder punched a woman in the head at the York Street station on April 6 when she refused to give him money.

The 48-year-old straphanger told police that she was inside the station, which is near Jay Street, at around 6 pm when the man approached and demanded cash.

A scuffle over the wallet ensued, and the man socked her before fleeing.

Cops arrested a suspect quickly.

Grass pain

A strange gunman ready to settle a score held up a 46-year-old city housing employee as he was planting grass on Myrtle Avenue on May 2.

The groundskeeper was sowing seeds near Flatbush Avenue Extension at 2 pm when the outlaw approached him, pulled a pistol, and asked, “Do you know Ricky?”

The bandit ran off with the gardener’s $1,180 gold ring and $400 gold chain.

Rude awakening

A lady burglar slipped past security at a Schermerhorn Street building on May 7 and swiped cash and cards from an apartment while its resident slept.

The victim told cops that he was heeding Morpheus’s call inside his unit between Smith and Hoyt streets in the middle of the night when he spotted the thief inside his apartment.

He ordered her to leave, but later discovered that she had taken $1,500, a birth certificate and a Social Security card.

Metal head

A testy teenager smacked a 16-year-old girl on the forehead with a metal lock on Fulton Street on April 6.

The girl was near Hanover Place at 4 pm when her teenaged less-than-gentlemanly acquaintance hit her, leaving a welt on her head.

Purse-onal foul

Pickpockets helped themselves to at least unattended purses and bags this week:

• A cold-hearted scoundrel stole an 89-year-old woman’s purse from the back of her chair at Junior’s on May 4. The senior told cops that she was inside the fabled Flatbush Avenue diner at around 3 pm when the crook grabbed the bag and its contents: a checkbook, train ticket, hotel room key, and $150.

• A fellow boxer swiped a woman’s stuff out of a Gleason’s Gym locker on April 23. The victim told cops that she had just finished a two-hour workout at 9 pm when she returned to the locker room and found out that one of her ring buddies had taken her iPhone, mouth guard, $100 and cards from atop a locker the legendary Front Street gym.

• Another thief inside the Fulton Street Macy’s stole a purse from a customer who set it down for just a few minutes on May 4. The victim told cops that she lost various cards in the 2 pm attack inside the crime-addled store near Hoyt Street.

• Someone swiped a 27-year-old worker’s purse from a Montague Street medical office on May 4. The victim told cops that she discovered the crime — and the missing credit cards, driver’s license and $30 — at the end of her shift inside the building near Clinton Street.

• A thief swiped equipment from a Jay Street construction company last week. The victim told cops that he’d left his $1,200 MacBook Pro and $700 laptop in the office, which is at Plymouth Street, in late April and returned on May 2 to find the stuff gone.

• A thief swiped an iPhone from a 30-year-old woman on Smith Streets on May 6. The lady told cops that she was waiting for the B45 bus at 6 pm near Livingston Street when a man snatched the popular device and ran off.

Wheel bad

A thief swiped a fancy Rav$ from York Street on May 2.

The owner told cops that he parked near Gold Street at 8 pm and returned the next morning to find the $18,000 wheels gone.

— Kate Briquelet

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