Today’s news:

Stan will take cheap oil over caribou

How much, you ask?

Holy u-know-what!

That’s an all-time high for me. Sixty-five bucks for a tank of gas.

That’s enough, my friends. It’s time we started drilling in the Artic National Wildlife Refuge, andplease don’t tell me about the pristine beauty that will be obliterated. I don’t want to hear you bellyache about some poor caribou. What’s a caribou anyway? And who cares about them?

I was a bit concerned about the poor creatures at a-buck-90-a-gallon. So how do I feel at four-and-a-quarter?

Start drilling.

By drilling we can put more than 100,000 Americans to work. Then, at the very same time, another 100,000 to construct pipelines and refineries.

Once we’re up and running, another couple of hundred thousand to run the refineries, manufacture the products and move the goods to various destinations. In five years, the so-called experts say, we will be less dependent on foreign oil, and could have an abundance of fuel to lower the cost of a tank in my roommate’s SUV — and we create 350,000 jobs in the proces.

Let’s say that those experts are exaggerating by 10 percent — no make that 25 percent — better yet, let’s say that they are lying to us by 50 percent. That’s 350,000 American jobs plus all of the benefits to the United States.

It is worth a lot more than those caribou, so let’s drill now.

• • •

My president wants me to cough up more money to pay my “fair share.” The richest one percent of America contributes 32 percent of all tax revenue. The bottom 51 percent in terms of income pays nothing, nada, zilch, bupkis.

So how much is my “fair share” in dollars?

E.J.Dione, in the Washington Post, wrote, “The wealthiest people in society have a duty to pony up more for the very government whose police power and military protect them, their property, and their wealth.”

OK. I have no problem writing a check for more dollars for the military and police protection. I resent knowing that a portion of my taxes is going to the double-dealing, low-life, corrupt liars of the Pakistani government.

In recent days, we have learned that the price to Uncle “Sap” for Pakistan’s friendship is more than 3 billion — that’s billion with capital “b” — dollars. Contrary to what Madam Hillary stated about the cooperation Pakistan has provided, they certainly have not proven that friendship. So, waddya say, Mr. Raisman? Don’t you think that we should flip them the bird and save ourselves another 3.4 billion bucks?

• • •

The most quoted line these days in bars, barber shops, newspaper columns, all over the tube, up and down the dial and at last night’s cocktail party is — “It’s OK for U.S. forces to shoot a terrorist in the head but not OK to waterboard him if lives are in danger!”

I am StanGershbein@Bellsouth.net warning you to run for cover if you bring this touchy subject up in a mixed crowd. Our hostess mentioned it last night and the fight that almost broke out would have caused more suffering than enhanced interrogation.

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