Today’s news:

I was right, Weiner was lying

Not for nuthin, but what grown man cannot state with “certitude” and identify his own wiener?And who uses the word “certitude” nowadays, anyway? How about “certainly,” “without a shadow of a doubt,” or the ubiquitous “No way!” But “with certitude?” Really now.

Anyway, Anthony Weiner not being able to identify his own “junk” when “Twittergate,” (or “Weinergate,” whatever you prefer) broke this week is the big news, and it’s exactly why and “with certitude” that over-cooked Congressman Anthony Weiner is my choice for “Wiener of the Week.”

You can correct me if I’m wrong, but I firmly believe that most men (in fact, 99.9 percent of mature grown men) would know a picture of their own wiener schnitzel at a hundred yards, in the dark, turned around and with blinders on, and especially in one of its three -— “before”— “during”— and “oops it’s done” phases — and “with certitude” and without a shadow of a doubt.

So for Congressman Weiner to proclaim that he can’t “with certitude” identify the “twitted” pic — especially since it captured the “during” phase — is just, well … poppycock. Methoughts the congressman spokith out of his cheeks when he said he can’t state “with certitude” if it was his wiener or not.

Now, thanks to Mondays hilarious press conference we all know “with certitude” that it was.

Truth be told, I would hazard to guess that the only beings in the universe who didn’t know “with certitude” that it was his wiener would be the members of the Pakistani intelligence network, but then they didn’t know that Osama bin Laden was living right inside the city “with certitude” either.

Thankfully, the over-exposed, over-pixilated Weiner was smart enough (really!) to own up to the bone-headed gaff. Of course, it was too late. His entire week of posturing, posing and positing makes him look even worse. There are so many other important issues at hand and I’m sure, “with certitude,” that not one includes the almighty wiener as its main crux.

Except, maybe this one:

How can any of us seriously consider electing Weiner as our mayor after this? After all this lying, how can we possibly expect him to effectively — and “with certitude” — identify all our problems and fix them too.

Not for Nuthin, he couldn’t even figure out his own.

Jdelbuono@cnglocal.com

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