Today’s news:

My e-mail can make me a very rich man

Wow! What a week this has been. It started on Monday when I received an e-mail from Caroline Flynn, the clinical facilitator for the Irish National Lottery Online Draw. I don’t know what that means, but someone with a title like that must be important and wouldn’t waste time delivering an insignificant message, so I read on.

She informed me that I was selected for a cash prize of one million Euros. All I had to do is provide her with certain information, including where she should send the money. I filled out the form, and as soon as I get my check I’ll let you know.

On Tuesday, Rev. Laurier A. LaBreche, JP, a consultant for the United Nations Organization Office of Internal Oversight Services in Lagos, Nigeria, was happy to inform me of my approved winnings inheritance sum of $19,500,000. The International Association of Deposit Insurers of World Bank has been instructed to release this sum of money to me. All that is necessary for me to do is to provide the good Reverend with the name and branch of my checking account, the numbers on my account, and other necessary information so that they can properly add the amount due me to my account. That’s easy. I don’t know anyone in Nigeria — in fact I don’t know anyone that would leave 19-million bucks to me, but as they say in my town, “Ozmir gibt, nemt.” If they give, take.

Friday’s e-mails brought a long letter from Mrs. Tessey John Paul Oulu of Kenya with an impressive title so long that my column would probably run out of space if I repeated it. With a very complicated bubu-meintse, she attempted to explain why I am the recipient of a sum of money with many, many zeros in it. I’m not sure how much it really is. Does anybody know what comes after quadrillion? The only hitch is that because I am such an orthodox, religious man of the highest morality (ME?), I am to donate a portion of the money to my church, mosque, ministry, clergy, house of Christ, fanum, Wat or cathedral. Since she didn’t mention synagogue, I have decided — if it’s OK with you, Mr. Raisman — to give it all to the U.S. government. As soon I receive the check, I am forwarding it to Washington to reduce the national debt.

On Sunday I received an e-mail from Mr. Alex Huntgate of the HSBC Bank in London. It read, “The U.S.A. Government, World Bank and United Nations Organization Official has approved to pay you part payment of your Contract-Inheritance Fund payment valued at $21.5M in conjunction with….” Yada, yada, yada. A full page of information followed, and it closed with more details including the fact that I am not to call anyone, correspond or contact anyone other than the appointed person handling this situation AND I am not to tell anyone about this. So please — do me a small favor, dear readers — don’t tell anybody.

I am asking you to please keep this secret between us.

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