Today’s news:

This was a real potty crime

84th Precinct

Brooklyn Heights–DUMBO–Boerum Hill–Downtown

Potty bandit

A nutjob stole a lawyer’s toilet and threatened to kill him on Valentine’s Day.

The victim told cops that a man broke his window at around 5:35 am, then entered his apartment, near Fourth Avenue. Instead of swiping the the normal goodies, the quirky crook grabbed a white toilet and headed down the block, schlepping the heavy porcelain god.

To add insult to larceny, he later came back to tell the lawyer, “I’m going to slit your throat.”

Cops arrested a 53-year-old man the next day.

Black bag

Two thugs roughed up a Starbucks worker on Joralemon Street on Feb. 2.

The 24-year-old victim told cops that she was walking from a bank near Court Street at 9:20 am when a man grabbed her by the throat from behind.

Another thug sprayed her eyes with Mace, then snatched her laptop and a black bag full of $6,100.

Subway snatch

A knife-wielding jerk mugged a teenager on Feb. 15 at the Bergen Street train station.

The 13-year-old boy told cops that he got off a bus at around 8:20 am, then noticed a strange man following him to the subway. Once at the station, the man flashed a knife, said, “Give me your cellphone,” grabbed it and ran away.

No ride

A teenage crook robbed a woman in a subway station near Adams Street on Feb. 14.

The 31-year-old lady told cops she was refilling her Metrocard at 8:55 am, when a man pushed her. He grabbed her train pass and lime green Coach wallet before running away.

Cops later arrested a 16-year-old, 5-foot-3 inch, 130-pound man.

Park pounce

A group of thugs beat up a teenager and stole his iPod on Jay Street on Feb. 17.

The 14-year-old boy told cops he set his bag on a bench near Tillary Street at around 2 pm, then noticed a group of men rummaging through his stuff.

He walked over to claim it, but one of the jerks told him, “Don’t move or we’ll kill you.” One of the thugs then punched the kid in the face, snatched his brown wallet and iPod, then ran away.

Phony cops

Three violent thieves in costumes jacked some jewelry from a shop on Fulton Street on Feb. 16.

The victim told cops that three men posing as police officers walked into Kim’s Jewelry and Watches near Flatbush Avenue at around 11:30 am. One of the men pulled out a fake silver gun and whacked him with it, leaving him with a bloody ear.

The thugs then swiped $1,200 worth of gold bracelets and ran away.

Audi gone

A thief with good taste stole a sweet car on Bergen Street on Feb. 18.

The 26-year-old victim told cops that he parked his gray 2007 Audi near Third Avenue at about 8 pm and returned nine hours later to find his ride gone.

Film felony

A jerk stole some fancy camera equipment on Willow Place on Feb. 16.

The 44-year-old victim told cops that he locked video equipment inside his black 2005 Chevy Tahoe near State Street, at 9 pm. He came back at 8 am the next day and found his $25,000 Sony video camera, $10,000 Canon lens and $4,000 microphone gone.

Bad dinner

A thief stole a wallet from a woman on Fulton Street on Feb. 12.

The 29-year-old victim told cops that she was eating at a popualar and fast Scottish-American restaurant at Flatbush Avenue Extension at around 7:30 pm, but noticed soon afterwards that her brown leather wallet and several credit cards had been swiped.

Train crook

A jerk snatched a woman’s wallet on the subway on Feb. 15.

The 53-year-old victim told cops she boarded the train at the Jay Street-Metrotech station at about 5:50 pm, then felt a 6-foot man bump into her. He grabbed her wallet before sneaking off of the crowded train and running away.

— Natalie O’Neill

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